“Should I not find a home for you where you will be well provided for?” Ruth 3:1 NIV

We hope it will never happen. We even promise our parent and ourselves it will never happen. But at some point it becomes very clear that moving our parent into a nursing home or assisted living facility is the best thing for their health and well being.

The issues related to securing the right care facility are too numerous for one column. So occasionally throughout this year I will deal with one of the issues related to finding the best care facility for a parent.

In this column I would like to focus on some of the emotional struggles an adult child has related to placing a parent in a nursing home. Most of these struggles come in one of two forms: guilt or anxiety.

Virginia Morris identifies these “Ten Common Reactions To Having A Parent In A Nursing Home” in her book: How To Care For Aging Parents.

Guilt that you are not doing enough for your parent

Anxiety that the nursing staff won’t do enough for your parent

Guilt because you promised you would never put your parent in a home

Anxiety about whether you will end up in a nursing home

Guilt that your parent isn’t in a nicer, more expensive home

Anxiety of the high cost of the nursing home your parent is in

Guilt that you don’t visit your parent more often

Anxiety about having to visit so often

Guilt for feeling relief that your parent is in a nursing home

Anxiety that it won’t work and you will have to devise another care plan or find another facility

How can an adult child deal with these emotional issues? May I share just a few thoughts from one who has been there and who works with adult children of parents living in care facilities.

First, realize you WILL experience sorrow, guilt and anxiety. Do not deny these emotions but rather deal with them. The Bible teaches there is wisdom in many counselors. So seek someone (your pastor, the home’s chaplain, a friend who has walk this path before) to talk with about your feelings.

Second, pray for God to relieve your anxieties and guilt while asking Him to give you wisdom to deal with this situation. Ask the Lord to “please calm my fears, anxiety and guilt so I can be free to help give my parent the best care in the nursing home.” God’s grace, wisdom and power will show up when we ask for it.

Third, remember Doug Manning’s definition of Love. “Love is doing what people need – not just what they want. Love is doing what people need – not what we want.” (When Love Gets Tough, The Nursing Home Decision) At this point in your parent’s life they NEED this type of care. Love motivates us to concentrate on their need and to provide for them.

Finally, keep telling yourself “I am doing my best, I will continue to do my best and my best truly is good enough in this situation.”

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	Guilt that you are not doing enough for your parent
	Anxiety that the nursing staff won’t do enough for your parent
	Guilt because you promised you would never put your parent in a home
	Anxiety about whether you will end up in a nursing home
	Guilt that your parent isn’t in a nicer, more expensive home
	Anxiety of the high cost of the nursing home your parent is in
	Guilt that you don’t visit your parent more often
	Anxiety about having to visit so often
	Guilt for feeling relief that your parent is in a nursing home
	Anxiety that it won’t work and you will have to devise another care plan or find another facility