LIFE’S SABBATH – A FAMILY AFFAIR
Frank E. Fain, PhD
“Everyone has a financial plan for retirement, and a health plan, no one bothers to make a relationship plan.” – Betty Polston
As the Sabbath was observed over time a second purpose developed for this special day. In addition to being a day of worship the Sabbath became a day for family members to stop working in order to fellowship and reconnect with each other.
If retirement is viewed as “Life’s Sabbath” then we can conclude a second purpose of this phase of life is for us to cease our occupation in order for us to deepening our connection with our family, friends and community. The first family relationship that needs attention in retirement is with one’s spouse.
Retirement can be the most challenging time in a marriage. The radical changes that retirement brings may require more adjustments for a couple than they made in their first years of marriage.
One shocking development in our society is we are seeing an increasing number of marriages that are not surviving retirement. Even in the best of marriages retirement is a challenge. So anticipate this development and plan on taking the time and energy to clarify each other’s new roles in the partnership and make a recommitment to each other so both can make the most of the retirement years.
Change is the one common element with every person’s retirement. One area of the greatest change is at home as a retired couple find themselves spending a major portion of each day with each other and often in the same space.
In many marriages the home is by and large the wife’s space and the work world in the husband’s space. At retirement the husband loses his space and “invades” the wife’s space. Often this occurs as the wife is also leaving the work world with the hope of finally having the time to get the home just the way she always wanted it. Too much togetherness is just one example of the issues retired couples must work through.
Researchers have found some common practices by retired couples who report they are ‘very satisfied’ with their life and marriage relationships. Here are just a few of these practices:
1) Each partner sets individual retirement goals as well as together the couple sets common goals they want to accomplish in retirement and they work to accomplish them.
2) The couple clearly reestablishes roles and responsibilities such as: laundry, financial managements, yard, auto and home maintenance, menu planning, shopping, preparing and clean up.
3) Spending on average four hours a day apart doing your own thing. These activities may be away from the home or inside the home pursuing a personal interest in one’s “understood space”. Simply put spending time apart provides a couple with things to share with each other when together.
4) Weekly have a date. A real date where you get “dressed up”, go out to enjoy a meal and focusing only on each other.
5) Praying with and for each other.
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